HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS AND SINGLE MOTHERS OUT THERE. PUT THE KIDS TO BED A COUPLE HOURS EARLIER AND TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF TODAY. YOU DESERVE IT.

P.S.- IF YOU ARE A FATHER WHO IS RIDICULOUSLY BEHIND IN CHILD SUPPORT OR YOUR KIDS WISH GOD WOULD'VE GIVEN THEM A DIFFERENT SPERM DONOR, THIS MESSAGE ISN'T FOR YOU....THAT INCLUDES YOU TOO BOBBY BROWN.

TIM RUSSERT DIES

We here at Diva Chronicles are journalists at heart and are deeply saddened by the death of Tim Russert. He was the benchmark of political news and never dished bullshit. He was unbiased and respected across party lines and racial divisions. He will sorely be missed.

NEWS FEED: FACTS OF LIFE RETURNS, BOIS IN THE HOOD BEGINS PRODUCTION

The Facts of Life will soon be on a tv near you. Jessica Simpson, Bea Arthur, Lori Beth Denberg, Demi Moore, and Khia have signed on for the show.

We think we smell an Emmy...


In other news, in a world where playing gay equals thunderous applause and Oscar nods, Usher, Ne-Yo, John Legend, and Sisqo play for gay friends from the ghetto who dream to make it big as a singing group in Bois in the Hood. When they boys meet Christian Roberts, played by Johnnie Gill, they think that their prayers have been answered. Roberts has industry hookups and agrees to be their manager. What the boys don't know is how much of their souls and bodies they will have to give up to achieve stardom. Also making their big screen debuts are the members of DAY26 who play Usher's bustdowns. Bois in the Hood is written, directed, scored, casted, choreographed, and catered by Raz-B.

YES WE CAN

Years from now we will look back at the story of how America got its first black president. We here at Diva Chronicles will be happy to say we lived to see it. Barack Obama is legendary and it is sad that none of the Civil Rights titans (MLK, Malcolm X, Rosa,Coretta) lived to see it.

John McCain, you know what's up. BARACK O8

P.S.- We here at DC can't wait until Barack Wins. Then we can go up to white people and say things like "Oh you people are so cute. Look how far you've come! And you're so articulate! Maybe one of you can be president one day!

HILLARY CLINTON TALKS

After her bruising defeat to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton grudgingly gave over the title and went into seclusion...until now.

We sat down with Hillary to discuss her future plans and her thoughts on the presidential race. No subject was taboo in this in depth interview. Below is an excerpt of our conversation.

DC: So Hillary, thank you for meeting with us. We are honored to have this opportunity.

HC: Oh, it is my pleasure. So many things have been said about me during my campaigne for the democratic presidential nomination that I need to get certain things straight. For instance, I think that Barack is an excellent choice even if he is black! Me and my husband have always supported you people.

DC: You people? Did you just say you people?

HC: Now let's not get sensitive now. You know what I meant.

DC: Anyway, since you have brought up Barack, is there any hard feelings there between the two of you? Are you bitter?

HC: Bitter? I am not bitter. If I was bitter he would be dead. Wait a minute... I might need to make a note of that.

DC: Hillary!

HC: What? I said nothing. You heard nothing.

DC: Well, lets get down to the nitty gritty... the dick and balls of the matter. People say that you are willing to do anything in your power to stop Barack from winning in November so that you can run again in 2012.

HC: That is so not true. I fully support Barack. I have even decided to buy billboard space in Time Square for him. It will read "Vote for Barack. Hey, he can't be worse than Bush."

DC; You can't be serious.

HC: Of course not (she laughs). I can't afford to buy a billboard in Times Square. I'm up to my tits in debt.

DC: So what are you going to do?

HC: I'm going to smoke this joint I rolled on the way over here that's what I'm going to do. Can you pass me a lighter?

DC: Hill, honey. We at Diva Chronicles don't promote the use of illegal drugs.

HC: It's Kush.

DC: Are matches okay?

HC: How Cooley High. I starred in that movie you know. Remember the girl who threw the rent party? That was me.

DC: Um, Hill. I don't think so. She was black.

HC: I was wearing heavy makeup.

DC: So essentially you're saying you were in black face.

HC: I didn't say that.

DC: Well you said you were in the movie.

HC: What movie. We weren't talking about any movie. This is because I'm a woman isn't it? You know what, fuck you! I'm taking my weed and getting the hell out of here.

DC: That's fine, sweetie, but can you at least give us back our book of matches?

HC: Hell no! I might have lost my nomination to a black man, but I am not going to lose my matches to one. A queen at that!

The interview ended here. Hillary should learn how to see a punch coming. You know its people like her that make it hard to keep a clean record!

JANET NOT GETTING THE "FEEDBACK" SHE WANTED

It's sad to see our vintage divas being treated like Vietnam War Veterans. Janet Jackson's album "Discipline" was stripped off all promotion and marketing by her label. Days later she had to scrap her European tour.

No worries however. Janet has just open ticket sales at a more exotic locale...Greensboro, North Carolina.

ONE MOLESTER, TWO MOLESTER: TO JAIL THEY WILL NOT GO

Well I guess it's true what they say....make a hit album and all is forgiven. R. Drip Drip Drip Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography case.

Counting Michael Jackson, that makes two middle-aged, pathetically perverted and mentally unstable Grammy winning entertainers who have done their dirt and paid to have it cleaned up.

R. Kelly's career will now go back to normal and we can look forward to yet another two years of him remixing everyone's songs.....even though none of us ever asked for it. Word is that he has a remix of "Love in this Club" featuring Patti LaBelle, Melba Moore, and the surving members of Levert in the works.

HOWEVER THERE WAS ONE LOSER OF THIS TRIAL........



Lisa Van Allen. Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You got all glammed up just to tell the world that you are a dirty, theiving, pedophile enabling whore.

If that wasn't enough, the defense presented evidence that you injected yourself into the case with false testimony. If matters weren't worse, you then had to admit stealing a $20,000 watch from Kells.

You're a down on your luck broad and are the biggest disgrace to come from Chicago since the Cha Cha slide. You have now taken Superhead's title as being the sluttiest tramp in Black Hollywood. (With Meagan Good running a close second)

MARIAH AND NICK: THE PEDOHILLIA OF MIMI

Oh Mariah, sweet lesbionic but brilliant Mariah. We thought that if you were going to go for a hot, young, sexy lover you would've chosen Alicia Keys. But we underestimated you. You chose career sliding but the ever so scrumptious Nick Cannon.

The marriage is a good look on two parts. Nick gets to spend money he hasn't seen since Drumline and Mariah gets to keep this whole American Pie Stiffler's mom thing going which has done wonders for record sales.

All good jokes must come to an end however, and we believe that when all is said and done, Nick will reach the stark realization that the only person who wears the pants in Mariah's house is DaBrat.

That's why we here at Diva Chronicles have targeted February 14, 2009 as D Day for this LGBT Circus to cease.

We are also making a similar prediction for Aloecious Hotbox and Ursula Furback. (see below)

BRITNEY SPEARS: DAMAGED

Hey yall, it is your girl Brit Brit aka Crackella! Taking care of Sean Preston and Jayden James is so hard yall. I mean, you got to play with them, feed them, make sure that they don't get into your meth stash... I don't know how people do it!

Today, I needed a really relaxing afternoon so me and a couple dozen of my paparazzi friends went to shop for clothes and hit up McDonalds. I can't believe that they made me wear shoes in Wal-Mart, but I guess times are changing. Reagan is really doing his thing in the White House. You know, I heard that we might have a negro in office! I support the negro cause. That is why I slept with Colombus Short. It was my way of letting the blacks know that I am down. I am a down bottom bitch!

Anyway, that is all for now. Typing and driving is so hard to do at the same time. Until next time!

A WEE BIT OF WEEKLY SCRUMPTULENCE: COLUMBUS SHORT

Columbus Short. What can be said about this delicious morsel of a man that hasn't been said many times before? In Stomp the Yard, he made us all wish that we could spank that ass with a pledge paddle or at least take a ride on that lawnmower. Then with This Christmas, he explored a love taboo while wearing a nice soldier uniform that made us want to be his army barracks. We at Diva Chronicles applaud Mr. Short and hope us wishing for a nude scene is not reaching for the stars here.

MIRANDA PRIESTLY'S CORNER

MIRANDA SAYS: COMPLETE AND TOTAL DISASTER!



Well, well, well. Kimberly Jones, you've disappointed us yet again. As if being locked up liked a common Foxy Brown wasn't enough, you have foolishly decided that being black comes with too much baggage. So, you decided to go for a safer, more talented race...the Chinese. Over the last year we have seen you transform from a vibrant, slutty fashion forward jezebel to a middle aged Korean porn shop owning madame deep in Spanish Harlem.

Cost-effective plastic surgery jobs, reposessed luxury cars, and Loehmen's purchased outfits like these will not bring you back to hip hop royalty. Need we not mention your current stint on the underwhelmingly popular CW tragedy, Girlicious. Get it together girl, we're entering a recession. Now is the not the time to go all crazy Elizabeth Taylor on us!

MEMORIAL FUND OF THE WEEK: TRACIE SPENCER

She started out with so much potential. Spencer was the youngest female artist to sign a record deal with a major label, Capitol Records. She had several hits which included "This House", "It's All About You (Not About Me)", and of course "Tender Kisses". Oh, and who didn't love her and her cameo on Family Matters. However, that was then and this is now.

The last time that we at the Diva Chronicles heard, Tracie was going by the name of Almondy and making a lot of money working the stripper polls of Walla Walla, Washington. It is bad when Shanice has more relevency than you, but we still wish her the best. And if you do go visit her in that seedy, rat infested place of ill repute called Wild Willie's Women and Waffles, please feel free to slide the poor girl a twenty.

A STAR IS BORN

Good evening America, welcome to the premiere edition of "The Diva Chronicles," a tangy but tart look at Hollywood and the faggotry that makes it humorous.

I, Den Mother Taffeta Rose, and co-diva Den Mother Coco Chanel are diving in head first to bring you the most delicious gossip and commentary that other blocks aren't bitch enough to write.

We here at Diva Chronicles believe in giving back to the communify. So, we have set up a Celebrity Memorial for those whose careers who have gone down harder than Gayle King on Oprah Winfrey backstage after a taping of Dr. Phil.